10. Lazy Bums, Israel, 1987
9. Donatan & Cleo, Poland, 2014
This saucy Polish entry made it to No.2 in the charts, but that was probably down more to the raunchy on-stage cleavage shots of milkmaids and washerwomen than the screechy song itself. ‘We’re Slavic girls, we know how to use our charming beauty’, went the chorus. After watching this, it’s hard to disagree.
8. PingPong, Israel, 2000
Another flop from Israel, this mismatched six-piece outfit weren’t even good enough for karaoke, let alone the Eurovision Song Contest. Out of tune and out of time, their disastrous disco number ‘Sameach’ was about as interesting as watching, er, ping pong.
7. Guildo Horn, Germany, 1998
Who could ever forget Germany’s Guildo Horn, who appeared on stage as a vision in turquoise velvet and frilly white cuffs. He even took time out to play the cowbells halfway through ‘Guildo hat euch lieb’ – now how rock ’n’ roll is that? Not very, Guildo.
6. Valentina Monetta, San Marino, 2012
San Marino has never made the final and this effort shows you why. Originally titled ‘Facebook Uh, Oh, Oh’, organisers made Valentina change it to the far less catchy ‘Social Network Song’. The abysmal lyrics are the stuff of Eurovision legend: ‘If you wanna come to my house, then click me with your mouse.’
5. Daz Sampson, UK, 2006
Sampson has had a successful career either side of Eurovision, but his ‘Teenage Life’ dance track, with four backing singers dressed as schoolgirls, was bottom of the class. In the BBC show ‘How To Win Eurovision’, Daz rightly observed: ‘Maybe Europe wasn’t ready for Daz Sampson’.
4. Dustin the Turkey, Ireland, 2008
Ireland has a pretty decent record at Eurovision, but this was a low point for the Emerald Isle. Rolling out a puppet turkey to perform the song was bad enough, but calling the tune ‘Irelande Douze Pointe’ was even worse. How wrong could they be?
3. Twin Twin, France, 2014
France isn’t renowned for its innovative pop talent and Twin Twin did nothing to help the cause. The singer’s quiff was a second-rate rip-off of talentless X Factor duo Jedward and the song ‘Moustache’ was about desperately wanting a moustache. Unsurprisingly, it came last with just deux points.
2. Michalis Rakintzis, Greece, 2002
According to the repetitive lyrics of this modern Greek tragedy, ’S.A.G.A.P.O’ was the password to lead singer Michalis’s love. Unfortunately, though, it didn’t manage to unlock Eurovision success for this bizarre band decked out like a dystopian version of Take That.
1. Jemini, UK, 2003
What could be worse than one person singing and dancing out of tune? That’s right, two of them doing it together. This was cringingly, hide-behind-the-sofa awful and deservedly came away with nul points. At least the song title was spot on: ‘Cry Baby’!
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